A Christopher Carol- On Ghosts and Gays

     On this, the last day of June and subsequently the last day of Pride Month, I am reflective upon my experience as a gay man. What does that mean to me, and what is my position within the world?  What have my experiences been and how would I like to shape the world for future generations? I certainly don’t want other gay kids growing up to feel the way that I did, or even gay men to feel the way I often do as an adult. So, how do we visit with the ghosts of LGBTQ+ past, present, and future for the cruel world to change and have a better life?

      My ghost of LGBTQ+ past is a haunting of ridicule and misunderstanding. I’ve often written about this- from a father who told me I look “like a fag” to trusted schoolmates who would out me, to a life of figuring out how to gay, then realizing that gay doesn’t define me. Coming out in 2002 in a small country town in South Carolina was an interesting experience.  I had acceptance from many of my friends and family and for that I will forever be grateful.  The community was not as accepting.  I even had a run-in with police once while on a date and the cops told us we were going to die of AIDS and threatened to forge papers saying we were having sex in public and make us sex offenders for life-we were 16. As soon as I could I moved away.  I got caught up in the gay “culture” of the time, and made a lot of terrible decisions, eventually resulting in moving again to move away from that lifestyle and start anew.  I found myself in a great group of mixed people- different sexualities, races, genders- where it didn’t matter or define you and you could really be yourself.  That’s how I learned who I am, and I will continue to grow that person. I have been beaten, fired, discriminated, built up and broken down, harassed, and stigmatized all because of who I am.

     And it continues.  I am now a 6’4’’ fairly muscled dude and people will still yell “fag” from a car window.  People are still fighting to take away our human rights based on their religious beliefs. And we even face discrimination-equally if not worse- from inside our own community. Living in the south as an out member of the LGBTQ+ community will never be easy.  We cannot hold hands with our partners in public without fear of slurs or worse being hurled at us.  We cannot dress in what makes us feel confident, we cannot express ourselves fully, and we are fighting daily for basic decency from our fellow humans.  Our jobs are still able to fire us for being gay. We have no hate crime laws protecting us in many places.  We have very little positive representation in media other than for comic relief.  And the most sad part of it all is that we can’t even treat each other with respect. Judgement within our community is hurled like water over a cliff and we are just salmon trying to swim against the current.  If you sleep around you’re a whore but if you don’t you’re “not sex positive” and a prude. If you’re overweight you’re not accepted but if you’ve got a six pack you’re “abnoxious” and not body positive.  If you’re bi you’re just indecisive; if you don’t want to date or have sex with a certain person then you’re suddenly bigoted and have internalized homophobia- and it all spawns from our own insecurities being projected through whatever tangible item we can place blame on.  This starts with us from the moment we feel different and is often carried until death.  We need not judge each other, or be judged by our sexuality because in the end it doesn’t matter.

      Just as much as not being judged by our sexuality we should not base our personality or being on it either.  We equally cannot say “don’t judge us for X/Y/Z” while making x, y, and z our entire existence.  It is my hope for the ghost of gay future to show us that we need normalcy- and not in a traditional sense but to be neither exalted nor diminished by this, however just accepted and move on.  I have often been asked what to do when a child comes out to their parent.  I can only speak from my own experience and I always say “what I needed was to feel like it was normal. That it is accepted but not a defining characteristic.” Show support but don’t throw a party.  There is a thing such as too much support also.  To always be praised for something can be dangerous also- I see many gay men who cannot handle rejection or competition because they come from a place where they were the only out person and luckily they were accepted but at the risk of too much. This creates a person who never feels like they need to grow, and that cannot handle competition or defeat as they grow older.  Making us feel special solely because we are LGBTQ+ isn't doing us any favors. What we need is to feel accepted with some sense of normalcy.  That will lead us into a better future for all- if politicians don’t feel so far removed from us then maybe they’ll stop fighting us.  If it is neither praised nor punished then a fair level of acceptance is able to wash the land, and not cleanse us of our past but allow us to move forward shiny and new.  Allow us to not be stereotypes or feel like we have to BE gay, but just that we ARE gay and many more things.  That we can have any future we want, and hopefully a future of equality and compassion.  I don’t want another kid growing up in South Carolina to be treated like I was- neither discriminated nor praised- but to just feel like they can lead a normal life because when all is said and done equality isn’t just acceptance it’s being integrated into society as a normal part of human life.

     To surmise, I feel this is what is needed from my own experience.  We have come from a point of persecution and still face that in many ways, and need to move forward in a sense that we are equal, human, and normal.  We are individual and special in what we do, not our gender identities or sexualities.  When we can realize this then we can work for true acceptance of ourselves, each other, and by the populous. Until then, we will remain factioned and fighting.