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Wellness and dating, and why it’s not working out.

 

Let me preface this with I am not a dating expert, but I am a wellness expert. Most of this is personal opinion and conjecture, however, as with most Americans I feel like I can talk broadly about things I am not qualified for. But hear me out, this is a blog I’ve ben thinking about writing for a while now.

 

I am single. Many of my friends are also single. We are mostly in our late 30’s and early 40’s, and as a gay man I feel like I am the person to call when everyone wants to talk about the people they’re dating and why it’s not working out. I don’t know why I’m the one to go to for advice- I’ve been single most of my life and my therapist has gotten many ears full of me complaining about the guys I’ve tried to date. We have come to the conclusion that I need to be able to see the “what is” and not the “what could be.” In my life I like to “fix” things: take discarded items and give them purpose, buy older homes and put work into them, buy used cars that I can work on myself, etc. That only works for inanimate objects- they have no free will, wants, or needs and I can make them to whatever potential I see in them. It turns out that apparently people are very different. I should know this- my entire career is built around behavioral change and many people are either not ready for their full potential, or have become complacently pleased with their life and that’s ok. I can’t save every item from the landfill, and I can’t push every person to their full potential.

 

So from professional help I have gathered why my relationships have not worked out, and I have items to work on personally as well for growth and understanding. Love it. Let me them share what I have extrapolated from compiling the anecdotal evidence given to me:

 

If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you’ve heard me speak of the areas of wellness. Physical, intellectual, emotional, environmental, spiritual, occupational, and social wellness make a wheel that drives our existence forward. If the parts of this wheel are not all present and equal, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. I feel that all too often when we are entering into a relationship that our areas of wellness are a bit out of whack (that’s the clinical term) and we are looking for someone to fill in the gaps. We use platitudes like “You make me whole”, “You complete me”, and share memes that say “one day someone will hug me so hard that all the broken pieces fit back together”. Insert barf emoji. Fix yourself. No one is broken, that’s an excuse. A word to hide behind and puts the work on our saviour to heal all the boo-boos life has inflicted. I’ll say it again: FIX YOURSELF. No one but you should have to make you whole.

 

Are your areas of wellness intact? I think that often in a new relationship we expect too much of the potential partner and it’s truly unfair. We expect them to fill in the blanks that we haven’t filled in ourself in our own life. If we don’t have a strong social network we might expect them to provide all social experiences, pressuring them into constant communication, the need to always be around them, and to give us a sense of amusement and enjoyment that we are lacking elsewhere. If your environmental wellness is a bit off, we might be expecting them to provide a sense of safety and security, as well as inviting them into a volatile environment and asking them to accept that as it is as we have. If you aren’t doing the emotional work they might be expected to fill the role of counselor, friend, lover, therapist, damage control mitigator- and they should only have one role going in- potential partner. Asking them to fill many roles that we are not working on ourself is criminally unfair and more pressure than should be placed on someone. They try as best they know how and maybe it works maybe it doesn’t, but there’s an insurmountable stress building behind this, and a pressure to “keep the pieces together”.  It’s too much. Then when it doesn’t work out, and those pieces are gone you feel worse than when you started because now you’ve experienced a joy- a joy you could give to yourself- and in it’s absence we are yet again “broken.”

I have often said how much I HATE phrases like “my other half”- I am not half a person. I am a whole person with friends, hobbies, a career, etc and I need a whole person as well. I am not looking for someone to fill in my cracks like kintsugi and make something beautiful out of what was “broken.” I can hold my pieces together by myself, and one day I hope to find someone to share those pieces, not burden with carrying them. When we have our areas of wellness fairly satisfied going into a relationship then we can truly enjoy the experience. All we are looking for is to share the experience of life with, not someone to fix us. Eventually as you grow together some of those areas might become filled more by your partner and less by your own being, that’s a natural progression with growing close to someone. But if we walk in with 4 of the seven areas of wellness wide open and basically beginning for someone to fill these needs, its not wonder it doesn’t work out. It’s too much.

 

This being stated, I personally know I am a bit hyper-independent and I am also working on this. There are always two sides to every pendulum swing and both far sides are wrong. The best place is always somewhere in between. I cannot stand someone who is always “I wish I was there with you” or requires constant attention. It makes me feel like “I Wish you had something else to do” and that’s not necessarily a great response. On the surface it’s sweet- they’re thinking of you and wanting to spend time with you, but to me more deeply I feel pressured to make more time which feels distracting from my personal life and goals. I want to share open time and free moments with someone, not every moment and I’m not even going to pretend like I always want to. I had a conversation with a friend recently about this. They said something to the order of “well, when people first start dating they make more time for each other in their schedule.” That is not how I think AT ALL. I am not re-arranging my life for someone new. As we get to know one another and grow closer, then yes absolutely I will try to make more time as I become more invested. But I think this is a flaw as well (maybe on both sides) but re-arranging your schedule for someone who is basically a stranger, putting things off, or changing your life immediately to accommodate someone doesn’t sound like a healthy start to me. You’re not adopting a puppy, you’re feeling out potential with a fully grown human being that should have enough to occupy their time when they aren’t around you.

 

In life, I think everything comes back to the areas of wellness. When we achieve balance and fulfillment then we have a more pleasant and mindful experience. Work on yourself, then when you want to share that beautiful work of art that is you with someone else it is just that- a shared experience in life. And take it from me- see the what is, not the what could be. Let’s work together for healthier relationships, happier moments alone, and shared experiences between friend, lovers, partners, and everyone in between. Be well!