I motivates Me, and together “we” get it done.

     I often talk about motivation in my career. Obviously when it comes to lifestyle change that’s a huge part of it.  I could go into behavioral models like the Transtheoretical Theory but no one really gives enough of a shit for me to dive that deeply into behavioral change.  Instead, I want to present it like a conversation.  There are many external motivators:  bad news, fear, children, spouse, news articles saying you should… but what about internal? Intrinsically what is motivating you to change?  I’ve written before about how to “be selfish” and surmised that taking care of yourself is never selfish.  However, how do you motivate yourself to take are of yourself when it’s just for yourself and no one else?

     To summarize my last post of taking care of yourself:  Do not change for anyone else. This can lead to resentment- the “I CHANGED MY LIFE FOR YOU” narrative that is toxic. We often feel that taking time for ourselves when there is so much else to be done is selfish; that is certainly not the case.  If you are running at 60% then you only have 60% to give to the things you are focusing energy on, and is that your best face or fair to you/the recipients of the energy?  Nope.  I had a friend once tell me “They say you can’t pour from an empty cup, but why would you let your cup be anything but full?  Make sure your cup is overflowing and let them drink from the saucer.”  This my dears is one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard- Let them drink from the saucer.  Fill your cup first, and when you have enough then share.  I’ve often said that if we focused more on ourselves then we wouldn’t need so much from others. The way we were taught growing up sounds nice in theory, however, is totally wrong- think of others first, do things for other people all the time, say yes, spread yourself thin, never say no, help others when you need help, and wear yourself out to the point of a breakdown in the process.  Nope.  Not having that.

     I want to change, and I want to do it for myself…how do I do that?  Well, not saying that I’m an expert on this but I do have a lot of experience in doing things for myself.  I am single, I live alone, not a lot of family left, I own my own business- so really no external motivators other than bills and lets face it- I don’t have to pay those even but I don’t want to be homeless so I do it  (my favorite phrase to use for myself is “the only things I have to do are take my first breath and my last, everything in between was my choice.”)  Something as simple as doing laundry- there’s no one in the house to yell at me for letting it pile up. No one but myself is depending on me for clean underwear and lets face it in most situations underwear isn’t even necessary.  So why do I do it?  How do I motivate myself to do it?  I do it because: One- I need clothes for public.  Two- it know mess is a trigger of mine for anxiety so I have to.  Three- I DESERVE a clean(ish) house and fresh clothing that makes me feel nice.  Doing things for yourself is doing something nice for yourself.  My friends have often said “I couldn’t live like you do- alone, never doing anything…I’d be so lonely.”  Well, I’d be equally as lonely if I based my worth off of how many people I could have around me all the time. Remember Social Wellness is equally being able to have a social support group and being able to take time away and be alone with your own thoughts.  But back to doing nice things for yourself- do you take care of yourself like you do everyone else?

     A podcast I listen to (My Favorite Murder- don’t turn your nose up at murder, it’s actually really good and they are very open about mental health and therapy) plus my own personal therapy experience has taught me this: Be a friend to yourself. One of the most powerful moments in my therapy was this- I was in some situation, I don’t even remember now, and I was talking with my therapist about it.  He said, “What advice would you give to a friend if they were in the same situation?”  After I prattled off my answer which was much more forgiving and accepting than the leniency I provide myself he said “Well, that sounds like great advice doesn’t it?”  Mine. Fucking. BLOWN.  *BOOM* It did.  It was great advice.  I have taken that approach into my daily life and struggles- treat yourself like a friend.  Be a friend to myself.  Give yourself the kindness and motivation that you would afford others.   Also, if you’re a friend to yourself then you’ll never be alone.  When we fill our own cup we can share with others rather than looking for something to complete us. 

     When the motivation comes from within, when it is just for you and no one else, it can seem like the hardest time to motivate.  Yet we have to find the love for ourself and become a true friend to ourself and give the same pep talk that we would to our friends, as well as the same love and leniency.  External motivation is powerful and helpful however if we can find true internal, intrinsic motivation that power lasts a lifetime as often the external stimulus will come and go.  I’m going to say it one more time- BE A FRIEND TO YOURSELF.  Be well.