‹ Back

Get it Out.

 

This blog is for me, mostly, and also for anyone who can relate to how I’m feeling.  I feel it is important to be able to relate to one another, and in both positively perceived and negatively perceived moments.  Maybe if one person reads this and feels like they aren’t alone then I’ve done my job in the world, and maybe if one person reads this then they can be inspired to get through the same. So this blog, my first blog of 2022, is for and about me.

 

As many of you know I am moving from my home state of South Carolina to Vermont sometime in the next two weeks.  I’ve written blogs before about how to break up with your toxic hometown, so I won’t waste time again talking about how much I don’t enjoy life here.  This is an incredibly stressful time in my life, and for many reasons.

 

I’m leaving behind everything and everyone I’ve ever known.   – I’ve lived in either North or South Carolina my entire life.  However, this state will kill me if I stay here. I don’t mean that dramatically, I mean it literally.  Especially this last move back- it has taught me that this is not my place and it has weighed too heavily on my mental health.  I’ve experienced depression (even pre-pandemic) like I’ve never known before, and although I’ve had a mild success here I know there is more for me elsewhere.  So here is my leap, the biggest leap I’ve ever taken.  Like a friend of mine says “If you’re falling off a cliff you might as well try to fly.”  Well, I’ve elaborated upon that to say “If you never jump off a cliff you’ll never have the chance to learn to fly.”  Here’s my cliff.

 

I’m leaving stability.  – Not mental stability, that’s for sure. Yet physical and financial.  I could have worked here and made an adequate amount of money, or gotten another job and been ok- but OK isn’t what I want.  Life is about being more than OK.  Now, I’m not shooting for rich or insanely happy- yet moderately happy and fulfilled is  all I ask for, and here it is not afforded.  I am also selling my house, my resolve and my palace of solace, to move to Vermont.  This is particularly scary as there is something comforting about owning my own home.  These four walls and surrounding gardens are mine, all mine, to do so as I please.  I’ll be in a shared living situation (with some awesome people) for a few months until I get established and that scares me.  Anyone who knows me knows I am a fierce homebody and enjoy doing as I please.  For the mean time I have to temporarily get over that.

 

I don’t know shit about a real winter. – Yeah, moving to New England in January during a pandemic.  This is a whole separate level of “WTF AM I DOING.” However, I have been afforded a great opportunity and what is a better time than now?  So I’m packing up my dog, snake, and chickens and driving 18 hours in my little Subaru to afford us all a new and better life.  And this is as terrifying as it is inspiring. 

 

I had all these plans.  I’m going to wait until April, pay off all my credit cards, sell my cars, blah blah blah. Well, life is funny like that and plans can and likely will change.  Everything in my life said to go now, and that’s what I’m doing. And now isn’t even working out as I had changed my plans to feel comfortable with.  You know what though?  When life seems to not be going your way, go a different way.   So I can’t keep butting my head against the same wall, lets at least try a different wall and see if I can find a door or even a way over it.  I can’t give up, and I won’t.  Like I write in my journal often “I will succeed to show others that they can also.” And I owe it to myself, because if I stop now and give up then everything else I’ve been through- and I’ve been in much worse spots- will have been for nothing. I refuse to let my work over the years, my struggles and all I’ve conquered, go to waste.  I may have achieved a comfort currently that seems hard to let go of, but if I never let go of the ground then I’ll never learn to fly.  It’s time to jump, and maybe I’ll soar or maybe I’ll end up sore, and at least when I look back at this moment I can say *excuse my language* that I didn’t let this get me down: any obstacle that stood in my way I kicked it in the dick and kept going. Kick life in the dick y’all.  Be well.